Chase

Trish’s ranking: #1 of 7

Alright, this is going to be controversial because of the current Miranda/Jessi/Chase drama, but hear me out. Chase and Miranda seem to have an actually mature coparenting relationship, at least from how we see it online. Chase is also the one who to be comfortable calling everyone out for their shit (oh how the turntables, eh J*rdan?) while being open about his own failings, and he’s also the only one who’s doing any outright political content in These Times. Yeah, he’s a douchebag probably, but unfortunately, as the hottest, wokest, seemingly kind of mature one whose marriage ended because of a consensual swinging scandal that got messy? He’s my winner of #DadTok, even with a season deficit.

Cate’s ranking: #3 of 7

Does he pull off a slutty little bandana? Yes. But we mustn’t let that distract us from the yellow flags. The pros: everything Trish mentioned above. But having a good jaw line and being vocal about social issues doesn’t make you a good person. I’m of the thinking that Chase is a bit more of a pot-stirrer than he lets on. His chill demeanor lets him fly under the radar and earn the label of a laid-back dude. Remember at the end of season three when he asked Taylor if they should “kiss for old times’ sake”? #MESSY. Or the recent rumblings of him smooching with Jessi. Hey, maybe stop hooking up with your ex’s friends. (Actually, that statement applies to a lot of this cast.) Truly, the only reason he’s ranked this high for me is because of what he isn’t doing. He’s just being a standard douche and not going out of his way to be exceptionally douchey in an emotionally manipulative and abusive way. Congrats, Chase, for overcoming the very low bar set here.

Conner

Trish’s ranking: #2 of 7

Conner is sweet. Conner does close-up magic,gets tramp stamps for his wife, and actually seems interested in parenting. Conner also unfortunately was on Tinder, making Whitney and his family flee to Hawaii in order to avoid the Utah Mormon Backlash that occurs when marriages break down in this weirdo state. I’m a Day 1 Whitney lover, so I love that their relationship is seemingly a really loving, mature one, but I think seemingly is doing a lot of the work there too. Whitney is the master of image creation, and I can’t help but think her and Conner are smart enough to know what to say and how to act on camera. I genuinely tip my hat to them for that. I’m glad my impression is that they seem great! It’s a nice change of pace from a show that makes you feel like you’re watching your friends ruin their lives with the worst men of all time. Yay Conner seeming fine!

Cate’s ranking: #1 of 7

Nothing but respect for King Conner and his redemption arc. He’s had his bad moments, he’s done the work, and he’s been extremely open about his past trauma and mistakes*. He and Whitney seem to have a very compatible and loving marriage, and he’s so content, dare I say overjoyed, to let his wife follow her dreams and take the spotlight. Typically, taking a magician route would be a red flag for me, but it works for him. To quote my friend Ben: “I’m excited that Whiney’s gay husband is getting into magic.” I, too, am excited and rooting for Magician Conner’s success.

Dakota

Trish’s ranking: #6 of 7

Oh, Dakota Dakota Dakota. What is there to say? I don’t understand how this man has pulled every woman in Utah that’s related to or has ever had a conversation with Taylor Frankie Paul, and it all seems a little too calculated for my liking. Like, yeah, I don’t think he’s the smartest. I also don’t think he’s unaware of the emotional terrorism he’s been reaping on TFP. I fear we’re about to see that he’s been a monster to Taylor when cameras are down, but again, this is Mormon Wives. Everything could change by tomorrow.

Cate’s ranking: #6 of 7

Oh brother, this guy stinks! He and Taylor are just a big ‘ol toxic hurricane. The two of them are definitely the perfect storm and have both done some really not great things, but we’re focusing on Dakota here. I have a hard time dismissing his actions as stupidity, even though he is very clearly not a smart person. I think this man is calculated as hell, and knows exactly how to add fuel to the fire.

Jace

Trish’s ranking: #4 of 7

Jace has a moustache and has been to therapy. I can’t say I really appreciate his and Mikayla’s dynamic (the age gap and her getting pregnant at 16 are hard to contend with, honestly), but he’s not the worst of the bunch, and also again seems to like being a dad. So, straight middle. 

Cate’s ranking: #4 of 7

My biggest issue with Jace is the age gap of it all. But, the Utah of it all aside, he seems to genuinely care for Mikayla. I can’t imagine processing all that Mikayla has been processing* over the past few years in addition to navigating the implications to her marriage, all while raising FOUR children. Jace seemed to navigate his role of partner to someone processing some very difficult trauma with a lot of care and sensitivity. Despite their decision to split, these two seem to have a lot of love and respect for each other.

Jacob

Trish’s ranking: #3 of 7

In discussing this ranking with my camp girls, everyone kind of forgot Jacob existed, except, crucially, that he seemed to be the dad who was holding his newborn the most. Ergo, he’s the midpoint.

Cate’s ranking: #2 of 7

Wait, who is Jacob? Exactly. He seems to always be in the background doing dad stuff. He stays out of the drama and appears to be a pretty supportive husband and dad. For doing simply just that among this group of men, he earns a high spot in my book.

Jordan

Trish’s ranking: #7 of 7

Jordan seems like pure fucking evil. Hey, what do you mean you let the mother of your children get pilloried on national television for kissing someone while you were having orgies and hiring escorts? Take. That dumbass hat. Off your big ass head. You cross-eyed Libra Devil. On behalf of my birthday twin, Jessi Draper, I cannot wait for this divorce. I’m going to be like Rosie O’Donnell announcing Britney and KFed finally broke up. Kick rocks!

Cate’s ranking: #7 of 7

Tomato, tomato, tomato! The bottom slot for me was neck-and-neck between Jordan and Dakota. But, after listening to Jessi’s episode of Call Her Daddy, he’s earned this. First off, take off the stupid hat. Dadtok isn’t a thing. Your fame is solely from riding your ex-wife’s coattails. You were living in her house, spending her money, and blackmailing her any time you didn’t get your way. What a little man. The internet says he is 5’11”, but in my mind, he’s like 4’8”.

Zac

Trish’s ranking: #5 of 7

There are only a couple of things I live by: no conversation goes well after midnight, everyone’s boyfriend cheers for Arsenal, and never trust an Adult Male Blonde. Zac loves the patriarchy. Zac wants to live in a Mojo Dojo Casa House, but he cannot bear the idea of being there with his children, whom he encouraged his wife to have. The Chippendales thing? The gambling thing? He’s posting weird homophobic comments about Conner after yelling at Whitney in a conversation that read very much like “I am a Man, and therefore you need to Take Me Seriously.” The shock blonde of his hair? I don’t trust this man. It’s crazy that it gets worse from here, but it is a steep drop to hell to the bottom of my ranking.

Cate’s ranking: #5 of 7

Oh, your wife is making a pile of money, so you decided to drop out of med school, and now you’re sad you have to stay home with the kids and don’t have a hobby? Make some sourdough or something, dude. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge Jenn fan at the present moment, but the absolute emotional turmoil this man has inflicted on her is inexcusable. The confrontation with Whitney at the end of season four was the final nail in the coffin for me. Do less, Zac. Like, way less.

Honorable mention: Mason

Not a dad, but still a prominent figure as Layla’s boyfriend and Chase’s brother. The jury is out on Mason. So far, he seems like a fairly decent guy. But as we know all too well with this group, that can change on a dime. We’re keeping an eye on you, Mason.